Soft as Stone

The desert holds wisdom that is timeless and universal. While in Joshua Tree National Forest, it offered me a bit of its knowledge for my own journey. In my Natal Chart, I have Capricorn (the stoic mountain goat) in the 7th house (of relation), needless to say, relationships seem to hold my greatest lessons and hardest challenges, right in alignment for a goat, a symbol of persistent hard work in order to reach the height of accomplishment. The stark land of the desert with its rocky landscape seems to have much symbolic resonance with this zodiacal image of persistent earth.

I used to think I didn’t need anyone, I would tell myself anyway. I had hardened myself off, build a tower around me, and sat inside, alone, isolated in my despair, afraid to make myself vulnerable, and let other people affect me. But as I began to let those walls crumble, admitting to myself and others, that people had an impact on me, I also began to realize how needy I really was, how I desired to bring others into my tower without truly stepping out with my whole being and light. An embrace that holds another so tightly that they disappear or a tower so high that I do. One and the same it seems. Either I disappear to the world, or the world disappears into my hunger for love, devoured in desperation.

This is what the rocks and the desert teach me. Alone within the world, build to last, as old as the earth itself, rocks are eroded, chipped away, slowly over the course of eternity only by water and wind. Each cacti, shrub, tree, etched in place, seeming alone and struggling for life, hardened by the heat and the dryness into a timeless existence.

The rocky desert teach me that hardiness is built over time, where self-built towers are as soft as sand castles swept away in the next tide but true hardiness lets the elements of sun and rain and wind continuously reshape its form.

I will most likely face betrayal, disappointment, rejection, pain, sorrow, and loss throughout my life, through relationships. But will I let those experiences shape me, chipping away at my fears and attachments, softened by the weather or will I stay alone in my tower, brittle and untouched?

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No More

For all the beautiful hearts out there,
never let your light go out,
never be less than who you are.

I hate to make you leave,
but you pushed me away.
To afraid to untangle,
the bonds that keep you bound.
To afraid to love me.

I am easy to love,
just call me yours,
and I will melt into the air,
kissing the sky with your words.

I hate to leave,
but if I stay,
I will slowly crumble
until all that is me
has turned to dust,
swept easily into the snow.

I am only a girl
with a heart as big as the world,
who lost her way
when she believed she was no good.

I hate to say “I told you so”
that morning, many mornings ago.
That crisp and icy morning
when you professed to me,
how you could never love another,
as your heart showed me
a different story.

I am alone again,
no more than the stars though,
no more than the ocean at night
under the moons loving light.